Same vein as "Meanest Mom" thread

Post by **MOM2SNOX** » Wed Jan 09, 2008 1:09 pm

Some of you may know from reading my blog or previous threads that my son will be 16 next month and is applying for his drivers permit. He recently told me he has experimented with pot but only on the weekends with his friends. We've discussed drug and alcohol use and he knows what my stance is on both. What he DOESN'T know is;When he applies for his permit, I will be having him tested for drugs. If there are any in his system, he has to wait 6 months before applying again. If he's negative, he can get his permit but he'll be tested randomly once or twice a month. If any of the tests come back positive, the permit is taken away for either 6 months or a year (haven't decided yet). Again, he doesn't know any of this but I can't think of any other way to ensure he's not under the influence of either alcohol or drugs when he's behind the wheel.What do you think? Invasion of his privacy? Lack of trust? Comments, remarks, suggestions are welcome!

lizziej · Post by **lizziej** » Wed Jan 09, 2008 1:17 pm

My son won't be of driving age for about another decade, so I don't know what to think. Did he just voluntarily tell you that he has experimented with pot? If so, what do you think compelled him to do so? Perhaps he's trying to gain your trust.

-Shannon- · Post by **-Shannon-** » Wed Jan 09, 2008 1:18 pm

I don't think its mean.

-LATE- · Post by **-LATE-** » Wed Jan 09, 2008 1:25 pm

How do you feel about him experimenting with the pot?I think if it were me (my son is only 7) I would tell him about the drug test. It had to be hard for your son to tell you that he is experimenting with drugs. He must trust you and I think that is cool. Don't agree with what he is doing, but some kids go through that and that part I do get.

NJTheresa · Post by **NJTheresa** » Wed Jan 09, 2008 1:33 pm

Sounds like your taking a good stance. Im torn between letting him know that he will be tested or not telling. In a way if he has used then this will be a good lesson. But then againhe might look at it as mistrust on your part( he did come clean about his use,trusted you enough to tell you) Perhaps wait until a day or two before the application that way you are telling himbut your also making sure he is going to be safe also. Good luck

Post by **MOM2SNOX** » Wed Jan 09, 2008 1:35 pm

I think Alex and I have a VERY good open line of communication. I trust him a great deal and he knows this. We talk openly and freely about everything from sex to drugs, peer pressure, curiousity and experimenting. He knows that I tried pot when I was in high school but didn't use any kind of non-prescribed drugs after I joined the military (1984). He knows I'm against the use of drugs at his age but I can only ask him not to do it.... Teenagers are curious and they're going to want to experiment. With that being said, I've explained the consequences of getting caught with drugs on him, driving under the influence of ANY kind of chemical and what could prevent him from getting a good job in the future. I know he's well-informed, intelligent and will make mistakes and I can only hope that none of them will be life-threatening... to himself OR others!

DN in MN · Post by **DN in MN** » Wed Jan 09, 2008 1:36 pm

I don't think you are mean. I haven't let my son get his permit due to his grades. My DD was told after getting her license, if you get a ticket (speeding, etc.) or in an accident that is your fault, you lose your right to drive my car (I gave her my old 97 Chev Cavalier) and you will pay for your own insurance. (I pay her insurance as long as she maintains 3.0 or better) I am really strict about the driving because it is a privilege not a neccessity Of course, they don't see it that way.

SBcrazee · Post by **SBcrazee** » Wed Jan 09, 2008 1:47 pm

My kids are still young but it's scary being a parent. We want what's best for our kids & want to maintain open lines of communication. The bad part about experimenting is some people do become addicted without ever realizing that they could. I hope you can maintain the open line of communication you have with your son & that he makes the right choices. About the tests, I would let him know.

wahoo_mom · Post by **wahoo_mom** » Wed Jan 09, 2008 1:49 pm

I don't know what to say. I'm 10 years away from having kids driving on the streets. It's great that he told you and he has that openness with you, but IMO the issue is keeping him safe.

Post by **MOM2SNOX** » Wed Jan 09, 2008 1:49 pm

Deanna ~ Great idea! There are other conditions in place once he DOES get a permit, including grades, speeding and having others in the vehicle when he's driving. At the moment, the law is;Special rules for teen driversWhen teens get a driver license, they must follow some special rules and restrictions. These rules are in place to help protect teen drivers from accidents and help them develop and improve skills in the safest way.If you are under 18, you will be issued an intermediate driver license and must follow these special rules: For the first 6 months, you cannot drive with passengers under the age of 20 unless they are members of your immediate family (such as a spouse, child, stepchild, or siblings, both by birth and marriage). For the next 6 months you may not carry more than 3 passengers who are under 20 years old who are not members of your immediate family. For the first 12 months, you cannot drive between 1 a.m. and 5 a.m. unless you are with a licensed driver age 25 or older. The only exception to this rule is if you drive for agricultural purposes, meaning you transport farm products or supplies under the direction of a farmer (See RCW 46.20.070).After 1 year of following these rules and driving without a collision or traffic citation, you can drive without limitations to the time of day or the age and number of your passengers.When you turn 18, these special rules no longer apply and your intermediate driver license automatically becomes a regular license.

Post by **MOM2SNOX** » Wed Jan 09, 2008 1:50 pm

Thanks for all the great responses gals!!

dianagirly · Post by **dianagirly** » Wed Jan 09, 2008 2:02 pm

My mother did that with one of my brothers. He ws TICKED and adamantly insisted that he had only experimented. But guess what, test results came back and he had almost every drug in his system. he didn't get a permit that day, he got rehab.

nun69 · Post by **nun69** » Wed Jan 09, 2008 2:03 pm

just what I get to look forward to in the next year....YEAH...and Sam is certainly not even thinking about driving unless her grades are up...that is really the only issue I have with her other than her other typical teenager issuesand I am a mean mom as well....driving is a privelege not a necessity

Queen Mum · Post by **Queen Mum** » Wed Jan 09, 2008 2:10 pm

Given that he has already experimented he's lost your trust.    Ok, so he told you.   But the thing is - he did do it.

This is to prove that it WAS only that one time experiment.

My son and daughter are a year apart (356 days, to be exact) My son is older.    However, because his grade were horrid as was his attitude we did not let him try for his license until he was 17.   Then he and his sister took it the same day and he failed.

When he finally did get it he had two accidents in two weeks.   We took his license for six months.

bayouscrap · Post by **bayouscrap** » Wed Jan 09, 2008 2:11 pm

I'm 4 yrs (minimum) away from this since my son is 12. I grew up with older parents and we were not allowed to get our license until we were at least 17 which I'm pushing for in this house too. I knew so many kids who wrecked the brand new cars their parents got them when they got their license so mine won't get a new car either. And here 4 high shchool seniors were just killed in an accident because they were speeding and crashed into a tree, all were wearing a seatbelt they were going that fast. It scares the you know what out of me here cause the accident rate is so high and a lot of them are teens. That said, to answer you questions(of course just my opinions):
Invasion of his privacy? Not really considering he is under aged and as a parent we are responsible for knowing what they are doing. We want them to be safe and not do stuff that will harm them or other people.
Lack of trust? Maybe, He came to you and told you that he had tried it and that is great that he can come to you with such openness. (I envy that right now, going through issues with my son right now) what I would be concerned with is that you may close that door of open communication by springing it on him. By the same token if you tell him too far in advance then he could just stop until after the test, which is why you would do random tests. It's just the first one that would blindside him. I'm not saying I disagree with you heck I'd probably do it myself. But I'd hate for you to lose that openness that you both share and you don't want to lose that.

scrapaholic · Post by **scrapaholic** » Wed Jan 09, 2008 2:13 pm

Great idea, I applaud you, I wish more parents took responsibiity for their kids and driving.

Post by **MOM2SNOX** » Wed Jan 09, 2008 2:27 pm

I totally hear where you're coming from Michelle and that's the dilemna I'm struggling with at the moment. Telling him beforehand will give him the opportunity to clear out his system prior to the test. Not telling him could jeopardize the trust we've built. (And believe me when I say, the trust hasn't ALWAYS been there... it's developed over time).What I may do is;Tell him about the initial test. If he IS using drugs, he'll either stop doing them long enough to pass the test and I'll catch him in the random if he decides to go back to them. If he's NOT doing drugs, at least he knew the test was coming, I was open with him about it and it should show him I trusted him enough to tell him in advance.Subsequently. if a random should become positive in the future, he will definitely lose my trust in addition to his permit/license.Again, wonderful advice, comments and suggestions!

bayouscrap · Post by **bayouscrap** » Wed Jan 09, 2008 2:41 pm

I like that second idea. It sounds like it may work out. Like you said if he is going to do it you'll catch him on another one at least you've been honest in the beginning so hopefully that will help. I'm with you on this and I hope it all works out well.I'm so not ready to be in your shoes yet. LOL. I'll learn from you if you don't mind. LOL.

sarahwhithers · Post by **sarahwhithers** » Wed Jan 09, 2008 2:52 pm

I think that what you're doing is smart! It's a great way for him to learn just how severe being on something and driving could be! So good for you!For us here in Manitoba, for new licenses, the person has to have an experienced (2 or more years of driving) person in the vehicle eith them for the first 2 years. So no driving by themselves for awhile. This would be a good preventative measure for things like drugs too! Depending on who their driving with of course.

Wendy-Gale · Post by **Wendy-Gale** » Wed Jan 09, 2008 2:57 pm

way better than planning his funeral