Information

[montana_girl]

 Okay, put me in the camp that bribes their kids.  I did it all the time with my son.  But that being said, the type of "bribe" depended on the circumstances and what were doing. 

I don't agree with a bribe if the kid is already throwing a fit... as in they are throwing a tantrum in the middle of Walmart and the parent offers them a toy/food/money if they will STOP throwing a fit.  That's not a bribe... that's blackmail!  And definitely teaches a child that bad behavior will be rewarded.

When my son was at the height of his tantrum throwing stage I read somewhere that you should explain to your child the behavior you expected from them.  So right before you go into the store, look your child in the eye, tell them exactly how you expect them to behave.  No bribes, rewards, or anything else.  Just a, "I expect you to sit quietly in the cart while we get groceries for our dinner."  I thought this was a bunch of bull, but I was at wit's end so I tried it.  And it worked!  I was so proud of him that when we got back to the car I gave him a big hug and told him how proud I was of him for being so good.  And I could tell he was proud of himself too.  Not that it worked every time, but it worked more times than not...

[Firegems]

 LOL I don't know a parent out there that hasn't used a bribe for something or another. It's part of life I think LOL

[megamay]

 Okay, put me in the camp that bribes their kids.  I did it all the time with my son.  But that being said, the type of "bribe" depended on the circumstances and what were doing. 

I don't agree with a bribe if the kid is already throwing a fit... as in they are throwing a tantrum in the middle of Walmart and the parent offers them a toy/food/money if they will STOP throwing a fit.  That's not a bribe... that's blackmail!  And definitely teaches a child that bad behavior will be rewarded.

When my son was at the height of his tantrum throwing stage I read somewhere that you should explain to your child the behavior you expected from them.  So right before you go into the store, look your child in the eye, tell them exactly how you expect them to behave.  No bribes, rewards, or anything else.  Just a, "I expect you to sit quietly in the cart while we get groceries for our dinner."  I thought this was a bunch of bull, but I was at wit's end so I tried it.  And it worked!  I was so proud of him that when we got back to the car I gave him a big hug and told him how proud I was of him for being so good.  And I could tell he was proud of himself too.  Not that it worked every time, but it worked more times than not...

oh that is a good point about not giving the bribe, or making the deal, after the tantrum has started. I do make it a point to lay out the rules, and consequences before we go into a store and you are right that it does work most of the time. sometimes I have to remind her what I said, but usually it works.

[JeanG]

 In a second!

 I would do it too. 

I don't think it gets any easier when they get older either.  I sometimes capture that annoyed look.  I've been trying to get my son to go for photo shoot 2 for his SR pics since middle of summer.  We are running out of time and I just may have to revert to bribery!  LOL

[scrappinchic]

 In education we call that an incentive.

[MLee]

 Knowing that I'm obviously alone in this, and I find this so hard to believe, but not one of you can see the pattern you have set up for your kids?

You bribed them to do what you wanted as small kids and then have said that it got worse when they were teens and now you have that pattern as adults.

I don't bribe myself to do things I want to do or don't want do. I don't understand this mentality. Maybe I'm the one who is dense but I talked to my DD about this this morning and asked her the same thing and we are both stymied by this. My 16 year old is sitting in there doing Applied Probability without being told to do so, no bribes, he just knows that is what is expected of him.

If you teach your children, and yourselves, that this is how the world works then of course it is how they will react - for the rest of their lives. If you teach them that there is a different behavior then that is how they learn. Parenting is not what is the easiest route, it is what is the best one. No one said it was easy.

I didn't spank my kids to get them to behave when we went shopping and I had three of them with me all of the time because we homeschooled. I never had time to myself. From the time they were little to now. A toddler does know right from wrong. They learn what displeases you and what pleases you and they want very much to please you. That is their goal in life for a very long time.

There is a part of me who says I really don't care, it's your kids, bribe them all you want, my kids are grown and with the exception of  small blip this spring they are doing super great. But there is another part of me that really cares because there are some long term affects and implications to this. Obesity being the #1 result. Lack of responsibility being another. It may not be your child and I'm sure it won't be, but it could be.

Really, we're all just here on a message board and we don't know each other. I'm not making judgements and some of us are just posting tongue in cheek and being funny. But if you are concerned about what you're doing or having second thoughts about it, take some time to re-think this aspect and try a different method instead.

[Mommybruno]

I wish I had your patience, M'Lee!

I try not to make the bribery a daily event, but some days it's the only way to get Xander to toe the line. He's very much about pushing buttons these days. I never reward bad behavior, and food is generally not a reward. I have enough food issues for the both of us!

The other part of it for me is that I like to do things for Xander. I want to get him a toy because he'll be so excited. (He'll even kiss the box before we even get out of the store!) Or a new coloring book because he's so into that right now, so what if he has like 20 of them?

[deerewife]

 M'Lee, I understand what you are saying.  However, dh and I use a system of rewards and punishments that the girls understand.
If Emily practices piano without being asked, she gets an extra book at bedtime.  If she goes a week with green lights at school, she gets to pick dinner.  If Kaitlyn sleeps all night in her bed, she picks something from the prize box (a box of her toys that have been taken away plus a few new things).  When she doesn't toys go into the box.

At the store, the girls get to pick veggies and fruits if they behave during the trip.  That to me is a bribe, but it's a good one since it encourages healthy eating.

I guess in my mind it's how you phrase it.  To one it's a bribe and to another it's not.

There isn't a right and wrong way to parent in my mind as you have do what you have to do that you feel is right.

[scrapsakes]

or as we call them in our house "rewards"

[megamay]

 I don't bribe myself to do things I want to do or don't want do. I don't understand this mentality. Maybe I'm the one who is dense but I talked to my DD about this this morning and asked her the same thing and we are both stymied by this. My 16 year old is sitting in there doing Applied Probability without being told to do so, no bribes, he just knows that is what is expected of him.

If you teach your children, and yourselves, that this is how the world works then of course it is how they will react - for the rest of their lives. If you teach them that there is a different behavior then that is how they learn. Parenting is not what is the easiest route, it is what is the best one. No one said it was easy.

I didn't spank my kids to get them to behave when we went shopping and I had three of them with me all of the time because we homeschooled. I never had time to myself. From the time they were little to now. A toddler does know right from wrong. They learn what displeases you and what pleases you and they want very much to please you. That is their goal in life for a very long time.

Im sorry, I am really not trying to be dense or sarcastic. I just really can't understand what you do to get your kids to behave if you dont bribe/reward and you don't spank. I suspect that I am just more broadly defining the notion of bribing, but I just dont understand.

you said " I don't bribe myself to do things I want to do or don't want do." - so I have to ask, what makes you do the things you dont want to do? I mean, I went running this morning. I didnt want to do it, I hate running. But I did it because I know that it makes me feel better for the rest of the day, and because I want to lose weight. That is a 'bribe' that I tell myself - "if you go running then you will be happy today and be more thin tomorrow" There has to be SOMETHING that motivates you and your kids to behave and excel. Either it is a reward or it is a fear of punishment. if you say that it is just because they know they should, then the true answer is probably that they fear divine retribution or more earthly retribution of some kind. I was a really really good student (valedictorian) and my parents never had to check on my work or grades or bribe me or punish me. Why was I such a good student? partly it is my nature to want to learn new things, but a big part of it is that my parents told me all along as I was growing up that if I didnt get scholarships to college, I couldnt go and then I would be stuck in the same situation that they are. So, yeah, I worked my tail off because I didnt want to be constantly worrying about money for the rest of my life. So, each day when I came home they werent threatening OR bribing but there was always that threat in the back of my mind pushing me forward.

I know that little kids want to please their parents but that alone is not enough to compel them to overcome their impulses and behave. My daughter has impulses to grab everything in the store or run around yelling and playing hide and seek. Are you saying that my 2 yr old should override these impulses purely because she wants to make me happy? (and I should mention that I am really lucky to have a VERY well behaved child. We take her out to fancy restaurants and she behaves, usually without any prompting, so I am not talking about an out of control child here, but all kids have their moments)

[nene]

 "Bribery is setting the deal up before hand.   If you do this I'll give you that.

Rewarding good behavior would be if the kid does something good you give them a 'reward' - something they aren't expecting.   OH!  YOu did such a great job.   I'm so proud of you so here is a special treat."

Idisagree with this. We teach our children to do the right thing, by rewarding them for doing so(whether they know about it before or not). EVERY child therapist that I have ever talked to agrees with this. Behavior charts and allowance are perfect examples. Just like we earn a paycheck for doing our jobs. We know what the deal is beforehand.

I reward Avery for doing well and punish him for bad behaviors.