No longer sad...now the anger feels good

[Ayla]

Unbelievable! Simply unbelievable! My oldest child, Adam, has been giving me some trying times the past few years really, but incredibly so the past few weeks. He was not happy with me for getting married...said I had said I would never get married again until all my kids had the chance to get to know someone. Well, that comment was made over 5 years ago when we all lived in the same house. He chose to move 700 miles away 3 years ago, so of course getting toknow someone long distance is tough. But there are other issues as well.

A couple of weeks ago, I got a facebook message that he was sending me a letter and would not accept anykind of message, whether voice mail, phone call, text, or facebook, until I read that letter. I didn't need to respond to it because he was sending it certified mail and I would have to sign for it so he would know when I got it. He said if I didn't pick up the letter, he would consider that I no longer cared and would cease contact with me. I am very much shortening a long story, but suffice to say it's been very emotional for me.

I finally picked up the letter today... and now I'm seriously angry instead of being teary eyed. He has listed every imaginable infraction I have made since his dad and I divorced over 7 years ago. Of course any story has 3 sides...my side, your side, and the truth. But his perception of events are so vastly different that mine. He thinks because I don't call him every week and ask what is new that I don't care...well, I come from a family that doesn't probe, we simply let people talk about what they wish to share, figuring when you're ready to talk about it, you will. And that's only one petty little thing. I got a letter that blasted me for every little thing I've done that showed I am not perfect. Well, I'm NOT perfect, never claimed to be. But his inability to get past things that happened is beyond belief. Was he ever abused? No. Was he ever left without food or shelter or in need of basic items? No. But I"m not even going to justify all the things he said. I'm just going to leave it with this.... if he cannot get past that people aren't perfect, we will have no future. I do not have to answer to my child with decisions I make in life, and to be honest, while I'm not perfect, I think I've done all right. I will not spend my life apologizing to my grown child for marrying the man I love.

And I have to say....I like the anger a whole lot better than the tears. I can be productive with anger, rather than having my stomach upset with the tears all the time. And I can let it go, and let him grow up (hopefully) at some point and realize that people, including mom, aren't perfect, but they can still be pretty danged good people. And that life isn't all about him, all the time. Guess I"m glad I got those family pictures before he moved to Missouri, cuz it doesn't look like I'll be having the opportunity again.

So if anyone ever runs across an Adam in Missouri who has family in Michigan....wish him well and tell him to grow up.

[scrapscot]

Good for you, Nancy!! Someday, he may actually grow up!! But I wouldn't hold my breath!

[scrappininAK]

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this Nancy. It's so difficult to walk the line - not sure you can really win. They either believe you're being overbearing and nosy about their lives or that you don't care enough. Seems like the parent who does the hard work of raising them gets dumped on. Hopefully, Adam can see through all his complaints and see all the positive things you did for the family, realise that people are human and move on.

[1grandma]

Adam does need to grow up. What is it with kids? Don't they know from day 1 that their parents are real people and not Mary Poppins or Mrs Cleaver? All I can say is that one day (who knows when) Adam will realize that you are a person with real problems of your own. And accept you for what you are. Maybe you can let him know that and that the door is open for when he wants to be part of the family he can be. Sometimes they just have to be left alone. Some times they never come back. But sometimes they do. I hope Adam comes home to you (not to live but to the relationship). (((HUGS)))

[aceason]

My MIL went through the same thing a few years back with her daughter. Letter about all the horrible ways she had wronged her daughter, perceptions that no one else had even though there were three other kids who grew up together. She blamed her mother for everything bad that has happened in her life and did not take any consideration for her own actions. Her daughter actually went as far as to ask her to not contact her anymore which was hurtful and sad. The real kicker is when her daughter ran into financial trouble recently, she suddenly wanted contact again. While my MIL has agreed to some contact with her, the damage was done and the relationship broken. It's good you can see the anger and realize the irrationality of his assumptions.

[Wheeliegirl]

What is it with kids? Don't they know from day 1 that their parents are real people and not Mary Poppins or Mrs Cleaver?

(((Big Hugs)))

[blbabe1234]

Wow. He does need to grow up. ((HUGS)) to you Nancy!

[Retiree3]

Nancy,
I'm so sorry that you are going through this with your son. As a mother of a 33 year old son, I know the pain that they can inflict on us. I will keep you and Adam in my prayers. I hope he comes to his senses soon because he has a wonderful mother. Take care Nancy.
Donna

[oceanbreezes423]

Nancy, I am going thru the same trials as we speak. I have a son who has not spoke to me in 7 months, a new grand daughter that will turn 1 in June that I have not seen since she was 2 months old, and yes, the anger/ignorance is better then the tears. All his illusions are fed by a wife who was an only child, very spoiled, who does not have the concept that you can love more then one child. ( I have 3) Suffice to say, it has been a long year. missed holidays, etc. I wish you comfort in knowing you are not alone, and I pray that some day they will open their eyes and see that good or bad, they have just 1 mother, and we are not here forever. I pray fences are mended before they have no more time! (((((hugs)))))

[javalove]

Oh, Nancy, I'm so sorry you're going through this with Adam. You're right though...at least you can be productive with anger, and you certainly have every right to be angry with him. Kids really don't appreciate what parents do for them until they become parents themselves and find out first-hand how difficult it can be. As mothers, we try to make the decisions that we believe to be best for our kids, but it seems they just don't understand that we can make mistakes, too. Huge (((hugs))) to you.

[akgnere]

Nancy,

I have a some knowledge of how Adam feels. I too was the kid of divoreced parents and my father promised that his new wife and her kids (which my dad adopted) were never going to take my place. 23 years later I send my dad Christmas, birthday cards and send him notes and never hear from him. I have gotten over it. At first I was just like Adam and wrote down everything that I could remember that made me mad about the situation, but instead of sending it, I burnt it and decided that I could not control other's behaviors and that I would be just fine without a father.

I am not saying what has happened to me is anything like the relationship problems with you and Adam, just giving feedback about how divorced kids feel sometimes.

I truely pray the you and Adam at some point in the future will come to an understanding and you will once again be able to have a good relationship.

[Ayla]

My MIL went through the same thing a few years back with her daughter. Letter about all the horrible ways she had wronged her daughter, perceptions that no one else had even though there were three other kids who grew up together. She blamed her mother for everything bad that has happened in her life and did not take any consideration for her own actions. Her daughter actually went as far as to ask her to not contact her anymore which was hurtful and sad. The real kicker is when her daughter ran into financial trouble recently, she suddenly wanted contact again. While my MIL has agreed to some contact with her, the damage was done and the relationship broken. It's good you can see the anger and realize the irrationality of his assumptions.

That's what DH and a couple of friends at work think...that when he needs something, he'll call. That would be fine, but I don't know that I will give whatever he asks. Time will tell.

[cort]

It always seem they blast the ones who care the most about them. was the X ever involved at all or is he all of the sudden feeding adam lies? Sometimes even though it's hard you have to do what is emotionally best for you...even if it means cutting ties. I have heard the term emotional vampires before and that is what some people are..they just drain the life out of you...and that just isn't good.

<<HUGS>>

[gine]

He sure needs to grow up yes and when he does he will look at life different

Big hugs to you Nancy

[Judy in NM]

Nancy, I'm so sorry that you're having to go through this with Adam. My prayer will be that he grows up and realizes that a gem of a Mother he truly has. (((Hugs)))

[need2scrap]

Oh Nancy, I feel for you. I know that kids can really tear at the heart strings, even when we are mad at them. I have found with my now adult kids that when they start to blame one of their parents, for all the horribles in their life, that they are going through something rough and unpleasant and they need someone/something to blame. Sometimes they are just feeling lonely, feeling like mom and/or dad found someone to replace them and they are not 'needed' anymore, sometimes just bad friends encouraging what they see as independence from their family - aka stupidity, or money problems, job problems, college problems, relationship problems; and until you can have that face to face - they play tough. It's really hard and I would not let it go to the point that you don't have a relationship with him. Too bad he lives so far away, it would be nice if you can 'drop' in and spend some one on one time and talk, really talk to him.


JMTC - I hope things turn around for both/all of you.

[scrapaholic]

Love your attitude - you go girl. He'll grow up someday.

[MamaK321]

such a horrible situation he has put you in. I'm sorry

[Ayla]

Oh Nancy, I feel for you. I know that kids can really tear at the heart strings, even when we are mad at them. I have found with my now adult kids that when they start to blame one of their parents, for all the horribles in their life, that they are going through something rough and unpleasant and they need someone/something to blame. Sometimes they are just feeling lonely, feeling like mom and/or dad found someone to replace them and they are not 'needed' anymore, sometimes just bad friends encouraging what they see as independence from their family - aka stupidity, or money problems, job problems, college problems, relationship problems; and until you can have that face to face - they play tough. It's really hard and I would not let it go to the point that you don't have a relationship with him. Too bad he lives so far away, it would be nice if you can 'drop' in and spend some one on one time and talk, really talk to him.


JMTC - I hope things turn around for both/all of you.

I "dropped in" on him once....about 6 months after he moved to Missouri. I took my birthday weekend, drove the 700 miles with the man I was dating at the time. We showed up on his doorstep with a dozen doughnuts and as he answered the door and saw me sawing "Mom?" I said I was in the mood for doughnuts, did he want some? We had a great day! then the next day, Evan called that he was getting his first base pass (he was in basic training for the Army at the time and only 1 1/2 hours from where I was) that afternoon, did we want to come down? Now Adam thinks I never really came to see him, he thinks I went to see Evan and just showed up at Adam's doorstep because I was "in the neighborhood." I made that whole trip just for Adam! I guess that's where the "my side, your side, and the truth" comes in.

[need2scrap]

I "dropped in" on him once....about 6 months after he moved to Missouri. I took my birthday weekend, drove the 700 miles with the man I was dating at the time. We showed up on his doorstep with a dozen doughnuts and as he answered the door and saw me sawing "Mom?" I said I was in the mood for doughnuts, did he want some? We had a great day! then the next day, Evan called that he was getting his first base pass (he was in basic training for the Army at the time and only 1 1/2 hours from where I was) that afternoon, did we want to come down? Now Adam thinks I never really came to see him, he thinks I went to see Evan and just showed up at Adam's doorstep because I was "in the neighborhood." I made that whole trip just for Adam! I guess that's where the "my side, your side, and the truth" comes in.

Man, sometimes ya just want to shake them!!! LOL - I know it's not funny, just frustrating. He really seems to be lashing out at you for some unknown reason. Based on all the years I've read your posts and all about your family, your kids are smart, and that's why I keep thinking something else is going on. Hopefully you can give him a little time and try to contact him. It's a catch 22 now tho. If you call right away, you're not giving him his space. And if you wait to call, then you don't care...... Attitudes. I just hope things can get resolved for you. Do your other kids know what's going on between you two? Sometimes they complain or give clues to their siblings that the siblings don't recognize if they're not in the loop of the problem... Just another thought. Keep your chin up, things will work out.