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Ok there is a sweet girl who I started giving her a ride to school when I took my son to school last year... She could have taken the bus, but since I was going past her school to drop off my son at his school..well eventually she started calling me mom..thats fine. she is a sweet kid... my younger daughter who just graduated is a few years older than her.. This daughter works til 3am on weekends.. my son is 15... and so far he is a nerdy turd who isnt into girls that much yet..or so it seems...

I let her spend the night a few times when she called to ask... Even when my daughters not here and no one will be here she will call and ask to spend the night...I tell her no one will be here.. she says thats okay I can still come... basically she is inviting herself over every weekend..at first I felt bad for her. her dad is a real jerky scumball... She doesnt have much of a life and I know she is basically using us to get out of the house... when she is here she stays on our computer the whole time and even kept my daughter up to 5am because she was on the computer in her room. i know she cant afford internet.. so the last time we disconnected the modem so she couldnt use the computer. I get the feeling Im being used...but not sure.. Im not sure if she is just a teenage girl trying to escape her sucky life..but I dont trust her dad..and he already got snotty with me when she left with daughter to the mall and his daughter didnt tell him where she was going.. I could understand him being snotty...even though I had no idea she wasnt being level with her dad. She is a good kid...I dont think she has a good start in life and I hope to be a positive example in her life but Im not comfortable with her inviting herself all the time.. She did last weekend when it was just my hubby and son in law over here. I got home and there she was in our house hanging out.. I later told my hubby thats probably not a good idea when the gals arent home...He didnt even think of it cause collin was here too. but I told him that who knows how her weirdo dad would twist things when he got drunk or something..

so how do you handle people who havent been raised to be polite and not invite themselves over....when she puts me on the spot I feel uncomfortable... Especially after I explain no one (kids) is gonna be home.. she says no problem... she can still come..???

would this seem weird to you?

sorry so long...

[JanetM]

These things do get difficult to handle and you'll have to cut it down because pretty soon she will start staying even longer.


Trust me I've been there and it's not a good thing to get into.



Next weekend when she asks to come just say you have plans and it's not a good weekend to have her over- next time let it be one night and only if you do have other females there. The following time, tell her you have plans again. You really don't have to explain it all but make sure she does not have a key to your house, if she does get it back and change the locks.



It's hard to break this but soon you will have her living there.

[CherryTat]

I know that you are trying to be nice, but I would not let her stay over anymore, regardless. If it were me, I would cut ties with her completely. She may have a sucky life, but the Dad (and her) sound like they could be trouble in a big way. If you do still have her over, I would tell her in no uncertain terms, what the rules are and stick to it. It sounds like she is starting to rule your life.

I don't mean to sound insensitive, but you can't help everyone and you can't be taken advantage of. She can't use you and your family to get the things that she doesn't have in her life. I would be very afraid that either her or her father might start making some accusations that may prove to be very difficult on your family.

Good luck

[milmomma]

As some one who came from a crappy home, I think you have to do what is best for you and your family. Set rules. She can only come when the girls are around. Sleep overs are only for the weekend, and there is a bed time. During the week there is visiting hours, she can only come on those times. And internet rules, no more than __ amount of time a day. These are all rules I have in my home and when other kids come over they too must obey the rules. I had to follow the rules at my friends house, including no more than so much tv time a day. I think its really nice what your doing though. Caring for her.

[cort]

I would def. limit the times she is there...and that she must tell her parents where she is. explain to her that it's not appropriate for her to be there when you are not..and that she can't be there all the time...I think someone mentioned setting down some rules and sticking to them. If you think that her home life is dangerous is there an agency you could call.....i would be leery of the dad myself.


Good luck.

[mgehrke]

I agree with everyone else. You are going to have to set limits and rules. Even though she is a sweet girl, do you really know if it is an act or not? I mean, her and her dad could be up to something. You are a wonderful caring person, and I would hate to hear that you and your family end up with trouble over this. Be very careful. I have been taken advantage of too many times, I hope the same thing isn't happening to you. Good Luck to you.

[1grandma]

this is not a healthy or safe situation for you, her or your family. i was reading your post and when you said that she came over with just your dh and another male I saw red flags. Up until then, I thought she was just using you to help make her sucky life a little better. That is OK. We all want to help when we can. But here is a young female alone with two males. So not good. I have been taught that adults must protect themselves, too. This young girl could come back in twenty or thirty years and claim that she was molested. And who could contest that. Your family's reputation would be ruined. It is not worth it. Please set some boundries with this young person. Even if she were a "he" the boundaries need to be instituted.


There was a little boy next door. He is only seven now, but he used to come over and spend time with my dh. I had to stop it for these very same reasons. It is a shame but very necessary. If he wants to be here, there needs to be other people around.

I agree.. my younger 15 yr old son who is a classmate of hers was there too. and they sort of hang out like a lil brother situation but I think for me like you said, red flags go off and I feel she is very mixed up kid even as sweet as she is. I dont think she is straight with her dad about things..and if he found out she was here waiting for erica to get home with all males in the house that things can be percieved... even though hubby and son in law was working on cars...

I told her last night when she called that no females would be home and it wouldnt be proper... I dont think the whole manners situation or boundaries or whats proper has been taught to her..

I have put my foot down... no one gets to spend the night unless I know about it before hand. she is 2 grades younger than my daughter graduated and 2 grades older than my son.

[sherry]

You need to set some limits. I don't think you should ditch her totally, it sounds like she needs your support & influence, but set some limits. Definitely do NOT let her be at your house with only men present- that is a hugely bad idea. You never know what a kid might make up to get attention, money, whatever. Next time she asks to come over, or just shows up, I think you need to be level with her, explain that she simply cannot stay the night so frequently. Tell her you care, she can call you anytime if she needs something, and you'll still have her over for the night, but that she must quit inviting herself, as you have a family, plans etc. too. Keeping your daughter up til 5am- sounds like she either has no knowledge of manners, or doesn't care.

[jody01]

When I was a teenager, my girlfriend stayed at my house constantly , even when I was at work or at school Only I knew for the longest whyand then I eventually did tell my mom when mom wanted to know why Kelly was here all the time her father was abusing her and our house was her escape even though its been 20 years and Kell got married early and divorced and weve lost contact I always think of her and my eyes are open to the Horrible things some children go though so there maybe another reasons she dont want to go home so now as I hover over my children, protecting them from everything possible. this did open my eyes as a young person and Kelly stayed with us until she got out of HS and got a job and married

[Queen Mum]

Lana, for your own protection and to protect the people in your family you need to lay down some rules.

Let her know you're there for her any time she needs to talk - but as far as coming to your house she is welcome under certain conditions:

YOU (a female adult) needs to be there if your daughter is not home (all you need is for her to say some male in your household took advantage of her and you will have a nightmare.

If she calls to spend the night and no one will be there tell her no, this is not convenient for you and lets set up another time for her to come over to visit.


She is allowed to use the computer - but for an hour at a time and not after your daughter goes to bed.

Set a bedtime for her as well. It's your house so you get to make the rules - this means that any other rules that apply to your kids also apply to her.

She needs to be honest with her parents about her being with you at your home.

Establish a relationship with her to the point where you can ask her if she needs to talk to a professional about personal family issues. Sounds like she needs help.

[1grandma]

It has also come to me that perhaps you need to let your family know that if this girl shows up when you are not there, they need to tell her to go away. They need to understand why, also so they this girl will not be able to manipulate them into her staying. Ground rules are needed. And she also needs that example. She won't appreciate it, until later. If her family is not teaching her, then you do it. Explain to her why certain things are not appropriate and will not be allowed. Be loving but firm. She really needs it. Good luck.

I guess I need to grow some....ahem.. a pair... so to speak...

I was just trying to be nice but it started feeling wrong and uncomfortable...

Thanks for all the advice... I was worried that I was over reacting... I will definitely heed the advice of the wise cherries here...

Thanks...

[MimaScraps/Lori]

Wow! What fabulous advice! When a former student (she is 40 now) became overly attached to me and shared horrifying stories of sexual abuse, I finally ended up explaining that I was not trained to help her but the guidance counselor could... She continues to call me several times a year and sends cards, but I think she would've been too difficult (emotionally) for me to handle! Prayers and hugs to u!! PS--former student is still in therapy...