ACOT Message Board

 My dh was laid off 2 weeks ago....with only a small possibility of returning in the next 6 months, so he is going to claim unemployment seeing as he is an interioir decorator and there just are not any jobs currntly avaliable. This is okay with me, but how do you get them to do things? I am working some overtime to cover some of his lost wages...so I just want him to pick up the slack. I called him Teusday to ask how his day was going and he said "its raining, so I am watching movies." I called him yesterday and he said " not sure what I am going to do. so I am watching the news until I get up and cook dinner."..which I had to clean up this morning.

    How long is it normal for them to be in this depressed...whooooeee is me mood? How long should I give him before I start nagging about atleast doing a load of laundry or picking up after himself?

 Sounds like it's time for a discussion (not nagging or fighting) about what needs to get done around the house and how you will split up the chores.  Good luck!

Dh only ended up being laid off 3 weeks but I just let him do his thing. He didn't really to anything inside the house but did some odd jobs outside the house.

I am not sure what to tell you. It is a tough call.

 I think it's really hard for men when they lose their jobs. Especially if the wife is working. As cliche as it sounds they really do see themselves as the 'breadwinners'. They often feel like failures when they do lose their job, and the longer they are out of work, the more depressed they get.

I hope your husband is able to find something soon. Hang in there honey!! (((((((hugs)))))))

I agree with Tracy.  My DH really gets almost all his confidence from his career and being really good at what he does.  We went through this about five years ago.  We weren't yet married, had just bought a house, and I was still working.  For months he was super depressed and completely *useless* around the house and it drove me insane.  We talked about it but there wasn't much I could do to bring him out of it.  As soon as he found a new job he was back to his helpful self.  Hang in there! 

My BF was in the dumps for about two weeks and then he started picking up and doing stuff. Does he belong to a gym? That really helped BF. He would get up with me in the morning and go to the gym to start his day and then was able to function within society. When there isn't jobs, its hard to actively apply for any... Good luck to your DH and to you!

 My dh was laid off for 4 months he just went back to work part time yesterday. I work part time and while he was off he did do a little around the house. I just kinda said one day that since you are laid off do you think maybe you could sweep the floor and take care of the dishes and do some laundry while I am at work and he did it. Good luck with your hubby and I hope he finds a job soon.

 I agree, time for a discussion about it. It was hard to get my DH to start doing stuff but eventually he did. One way that I did it was to either write down a short list for him each day or say to him in the morning before I left for work, "Hey honey, I need you to do this and this today. Thanks."

Good luck! Though he is probably depressed about it all it will help him to take care of some of the responsibilities around the house, run errands, etc. Then he won't feel useless and you won't resent him for being home while you're working.

 mine was off for 18 months & he never did really help out & I was working a second job also for a total of 70 hours/week.  He kept saying he didn't like to do house work but  I think it just made him more depressed thinking that was all he was worth....even though I would LOVE someone to help with my house cleaning.  he never got it.  Good luck & I hope it doesn't lead to resentment between you.

 My husband isn't laid off, however, I stopped working a few months ago for a variety of reasons, by our choice.  I had a very responsible corporate position and juggled tons of work and personal stuff each day when I was working because I was so organized.  It has taken me awhile to get into a new routine and feel like I'm being productive.  It helped to start writing "To Do" lists and planning out my day rather than just "letting it happen".  It's a lot more of a mental adjustment than I would have ever imagined even though I chose to stop working - less contact with people, loss of extra income, lack of focus, husband working....

Although this can be a stressful time, it can also have some plusses.  I really enjoy being able to spend time with my family on the weekends doing fun - and inexpensive - things rather than trying to get through all the things usually left for weekends.  Perhaps helping your husband to see some of these benefits would be motivating to him. 

 O I feel for you girl.... I myself is going through that but with him having no work and being sick with Lupus and its been tough and having 5 kids 3,4,5,14,17 and no one helping......  UGGG   its so upsetting   but one day I just flipped crying lock myself in my room told everyone I cant do it all I need help  well,   the next day i came home from work and the house was clean dnner was made and clothes being washed and put up  WOW  so now I just do that from time to time and it works things get cleaned and pick up......
  denise

 Mine has been retired for 18 mos and I'm still trying to get him to do some of the things he couldn't do when he was working because he was saving them for when he was retired.  He's not depressed, just a tad on the lazy side.

 No husband, so I can't really give advice.  I also know that the situation you're in would bug me, too - and I would probably say the wrong thing trying to get him to do stuff. 

The one piece of advice that I do feel I can give is that if his mood gets really dark, do get him professional help.  Call your local United Way for a referal to one of their organizations that charges on a sliding scale according to how much income you have - or rather don't have.

((((((((((hugs))))))))))

 I'm with Shannon- give him a little list. My dh does nothing around the house unless asked to. Once I complained (alright, more than once!), and he said to just leave him a list- so I do and the stuff gets done!
Good luck with him getting back to work or getting a new job. This economy sure does suck right now!

Tscrap wrote: My husband isn't laid off, however, I stopped working a few months ago for a variety of reasons, by our choice.  I had a very responsible corporate position and juggled tons of work and personal stuff each day when I was working because I was so organized.  It has taken me awhile to get into a new routine and feel like I'm being productive.  It helped to start writing "To Do" lists and planning out my day rather than just "letting it happen".  It's a lot more of a mental adjustment than I would have ever imagined even though I chose to stop working - less contact with people, loss of extra income, lack of focus, husband working....

Although this can be a stressful time, it can also have some plusses.  I really enjoy being able to spend time with my family on the weekends doing fun - and inexpensive - things rather than trying to get through all the things usually left for weekends.  Perhaps helping your husband to see some of these benefits would be motivating to him. 

I agree with the list idea. I do this over the summer when I'm off, and much of what's on the list is school related items but I still feel I've accomplished something.
Good luck!

 I think it was probably a few weeks before dh really started doing anything around the house. I had to ask him to do a few things. At first before he got the steroid shots in his back he was hurting alot and still had the numbness in his legs. He still has days he does NOTHING. But he usually gets it done in a day or two. He's been off almost a year now.
I'm working a part time job now too so I'm toooo tired to do much of anything. I  do cook once or twice a week still and I do my own laundry.  I do have to ask him to do dd's laundry.

 1st thing- in our state, you cannot *get* unemployment pay unless you are actively seeking a new job!  So, I would assume he needs to spend some time doing that.  It's almost totally online these days and very time-consuming to check the various sites & fill out applications.  I'm in the same laid-off, job-hunting boat, and I only worked part-time.  I know for a fact I'm spending more hours per week job *hunting* than I did actually working when I was employed!!

Next, as several have suggested, lists may help.  I would ask him if he has some time to help with some household things you're behind on and would he mind if you made him a list?  That's worked for mine and I personally work much better under guidelines (task list &/or time schedule) than without.

One of my girlfriends has a husband who totally did stuff on his own initiative around the house when he was unemployed but I think he's a unique case!!  I keep thinking about how I'm "busy" and "bored" at the same time - I have a hard time motivating myself to do much besides anything online (where I job-hunt and play cocurrently ).  There's a lot I could be doing here but I miss the busyness of work & deadlines!

Good luck!

 I have found they are depressed until they go back to work.  It is hard to live with them. One good reason to work overtime if you can. DH was a pain. DS is just depressed it is hard to get him to the table. He has his days and night all messed up. Good grief it's almost as bad as when he was a kid.

 I would sit down and talk with him about this. Doing things around the house will help him start to feel better about things. It was hard for me to get my husband out of that rut.

 I would talk to him about it!!  But try not to get too upset with him....