Information

[gonecamping]

(((hugs))) Nancy, I wish I had some advice to give but I don't. I hope he grows up and realizes what a gem he has for a mom and gets over this petty attitude.

[TraciL]

[quote="cort"]It always seem they blast the ones who care the most about them.



that is so true! My husband says it's because we feel 'safe' that we can blast away and they will still be there waiting for us when we are done. I think he's right.

[sarahwhithers]

I just wanted to give you some big hugs!! I hope he does smarten up, not just for your sake, but his as well, otherwise he's going to very unhappy his whole life. More big hugs!!

[beachlover]

good for you Nancy!! ((((HUGS))) deep down, he does love you, only he knows what is eating at him but he needs to figure it out... you are one terrific mom and a beautiful woman, much loved!!!

[doviana]

I am dealing with something very similar with my 17 year old son. God forbid that I care enough to send him to rehab to try to clean up his life. Maybe learn a little respect if nothing else for himself. He went but only cause he is underage and my X and I FORCED him to go. He wasn't out a full day and was right back at it. And now he isn't speaking to me and wants nothing to do with his 2 youngest siblings since they live at my house. Try explaining to a 6 and 3 year old that their brother is Just being self-centered and is an addict and it's not them that's the reason he isn't ever there. *sigh*

In any case my new philosophy I have pulled from a TV commercial I saw awhile ago...

When they are little they are so cute that sometimes you just want to eat them up -- sometimes I wish I had!

Sometimes it makes me giggle when things get really bad...

[Ayla]

I am dealing with something very similar with my 17 year old son. God forbid that I care enough to send him to rehab to try to clean up his life. Maybe learn a little respect if nothing else for himself. He went but only cause he is underage and my X and I FORCED him to go. He wasn't out a full day and was right back at it. And now he isn't speaking to me and wants nothing to do with his 2 youngest siblings since they live at my house. Try explaining to a 6 and 3 year old that their brother is Just being self-centered and is an addict and it's not them that's the reason he isn't ever there. *sigh*

In any case my new philosophy I have pulled from a TV commercial I saw awhile ago...

When they are little they are so cute that sometimes you just want to eat them up -- sometimes I wish I had!

Sometimes it makes me giggle when things get really bad...

I'm sorry for what you're going through too....but I like your philosophy. I'll keep that one in mind!

[CherryTat]

So sorry to hear this Nancy

[debamas]

I just got off the phone with my mom with her telling me about my sister. I told Mom to not let her get to her. My sis is in her 50's. It's hard, yes, but some just do not ever mature and understand how hurtful they are. They for some reason just do not think and behave as we do. I do see so many differences in how her life has been and is now too. They are really paying for their own poor judgement and decisions. My own daughter in her 30's reacts to things irrationally as well and I have had to step away when she blows up and get ugly with me. I'm not the type to dish it back out but I don't have to take it either.

All we can do as Mom is to "love" them as our child, pray for their wellness and desire to be part of our lives in an appropriate way. But it is totally up to them. Our children, yes, but adults they are supposed to be. Good for you with your stance. I applaud you! I've seen how dibilitating it can be for a parent to keep giving in and trying and feeling responsible to "make them happy".

[sdwhru]

It's okay for you to feel angry. I totally would. At what point in time did it become okay to blame our parents for everything you feel miserable about in life?!?!?! No, parents aren't perfect and they aren't supposed to be. It's up to him to figure out you are responsible for your actions and he for his. Sad thing about it he could had a set of parents that are horrible (abusive, neglect, etc.) Should be thankful for what he had not resentful. Seems to be the only way teenagers are now. If they get everything they want they are okay; if not, watch out. Sad, sad, sad....

[txbelle26]

Wow! You poor thing! I'm glad you're past the tears. You did all you could to raise him, and you can't change the past even if you wanted to. Someday maybe he'll come around and realize what a mistake he made. Life's too short to not do what makes you happy! I'm not around you every day in person, and I even know how happy you are with your new hubby...it's sad that he doesn't realize it.

[Ayla]

Thank you to everyone for your support. I am sending a facebook message today that I want to respond to his letter...how does he want the letter....on facebook or snail mail? Then I get to have MY say...judiciously, of course. But time will tell.

[-Shannon-]

Thank you to everyone for your support. I am sending a facebook message today that I want to respond to his letter...how does he want the letter....on facebook or snail mail? Then I get to have MY say...judiciously, of course. But time will tell.

First, I'm so sad that you have to deal with a situation like this. I can't imagine how it feels to have your own flesh and blood behave this way.
Second, I don't think you should ask him how he wants you to respond. I think you should respond in any fashion you'd like. Personally, I would send a letter just as he did so that you can say exactly what you need to say without any interruption. If it were me, I would make it clear that there is nothing that requires you, as the mother, to get your child's permission for decisions that affect your life. Only you know what's best for you and it is not his decision. If he's grown and living on his own I don't see why he thinks this affects you so much. You're an adult and so is he...you each make your own choices for your own lives. If he has kids, one day he's going to get a huge reality check when his kid disagrees with him and he gets to tell his kid...none of your business. It's not as if he's 10 and who you marry or have in your house affects him. He needs to get over it and stop acting like he's king of the family and only what he wants goes. I can only imagine there's something else going on his life to react so badly to a situation that technically doesn't affect him and why he thinks he can make decisions for YOUR life.

I wish you all the best and hope that sooner, rather than later, he opens his eyes, heart and mind to you and realizes he creating irreparable damage to your mother/son relationship. HUGS!!

ayla,,,
just a thought..perhaps some armchair psychology here...

Sounds like he is setting himself up to be a victim by expecting unrealistic expectations of all those he knows and loves. If everyone fails him...he has an excuse to put a wall up and not be close...and claiming his own victim status.. sounds like a way to keep people at a distance... maybe he has a problem with connecting close with others. Does his friendships last long? Does he have long term girlfriends? those could be signs that the problem is something he needs to look within..

In counsiling.. we learned about the negative anteater... who basically uses negative words that set the mind to feel like a victim... eggagerative words that dont truely depict what is going on but balloon the truth out of perportion.

words like: You always..You never... every time.... etc.. when in fact its not always.. not never.. and not everytime... when they are grown its harder because they become cemented in their thinking...Outside source such as a councilor might be the only way for you to work on mending..but they have to be open to the fact that change requires effort not just on your part but his too. he has to be ready for that..until then.. all you can do is Live your life...be loving and cordial despite his ugliness... and not let his grown tantrum shake you. continue to love him..but dont be his push over dont jump thru hoops..pray for him and just love him by being the better person as an example...maybe he will come around..maybe not.. maybe it will take others holding a mirror in front of him to see his reflection.. Of that which he accuses you of...he must be...

[jnet]

My mom said the problem with a letter is it expresses how you feel now, but the recipient reads it as how you will always feel.
The recipient will keep it and keep reading it over and over and may never understand what you truly meant, but just use it to reinforce his anger.
I worry that he will interpret your letter in a way that will further damage his perception of your relationship.

On the other hand it is good to write out your feelings. But maybe not send the letter?

[Ayla]

Thank you to everyone for your support. I am sending a facebook message today that I want to respond to his letter...how does he want the letter....on facebook or snail mail? Then I get to have MY say...judiciously, of course. But time will tell.

First, I'm so sad that you have to deal with a situation like this. I can't imagine how it feels to have your own flesh and blood behave this way.
Second, I don't think you should ask him how he wants you to respond. I think you should respond in any fashion you'd like. Personally, I would send a letter just as he did so that you can say exactly what you need to say without any interruption. If it were me, I would make it clear that there is nothing that requires you, as the mother, to get your child's permission for decisions that affect your life. Only you know what's best for you and it is not his decision. If he's grown and living on his own I don't see why he thinks this affects you so much. You're an adult and so is he...you each make your own choices for your own lives. If he has kids, one day he's going to get a huge reality check when his kid disagrees with him and he gets to tell his kid...none of your business. It's not as if he's 10 and who you marry or have in your house affects him. He needs to get over it and stop acting like he's king of the family and only what he wants goes. I can only imagine there's something else going on his life to react so badly to a situation that technically doesn't affect him and why he thinks he can make decisions for YOUR life.

I wish you all the best and hope that sooner, rather than later, he opens his eyes, heart and mind to you and realizes he creating irreparable damage to your mother/son relationship. HUGS!!

That's what I'm doing...I'm writing a letter. It will go out this weekend. What is not mentioned in my original post with this is how much....LITERALLY... he has changed. This is my daughter Sarah....I knew she was gay since she was in high school, and a year ago she announced to me that she really felt more of an identify as a male and began the process of gender reindentification, and goes by Adam now...including a legal name change. This has not always been easy, to put it mildly, but I love my child, and want to support hiim in the decisions he feels is right for his life. After all when I was growing up, I made decisions for my life, and he has the right to make them for his. I have supported him and his right to make those decisions, whether or not I agreed with them, because i love him. And now he totally thinks I do not have the right nor the ability to make them for my own life...that is part of what is hurtful. But I will not allow him to dictate to me what I should or should not do. I have already done my job with him...I raised him to be a self supporting, productive member of society. I am doing the same for the younger kids, now with Bob's help. And if he cannot accept that, that is his issue, not mine. I do hope to have a good relationship again someday....after all, he is the one who changed my life....he made me a mother. He is my first born, and will always have a special place in my heart for that. But he will not occupy the right to tell me what to do.

[cort]

Isn't counseling part of the gender reassignment (not sure i used the right term there) process? I kind of wonder if the lashing out has something to do with the process that Adam is going through...and he just found someone to lash out at...and like i mentioned before we lash out at those who love us the most sometimes.

But what adam needs to realize is that he needs to respect your decision just as you have respected his.

<<HUGS>> and above all you deserve to be happy !

[-Shannon-]

Isn't counseling part of the gender reassignment (not sure i used the right term there) process? I kind of wonder if the lashing out has something to do with the process that Adam is going through...and he just found someone to lash out at...and like i mentioned before we lash out at those who love us the most sometimes.

But what adam needs to realize is that he needs to respect your decision just as you have respected his.

<<HUGS>> and above all you deserve to be happy !

I was wondering the same thing about counseling and I agree 100% with your last statement about respecting each others decisions.

[1grandma]

I just got off the phone with my mom with her telling me about my sister. I told Mom to not let her get to her. My sis is in her 50's. It's hard, yes, but some just do not ever mature and understand how hurtful they are. They for some reason just do not think and behave as we do. I do see so many differences in how her life has been and is now too. They are really paying for their own poor judgement and decisions. My own daughter in her 30's reacts to things irrationally as well and I have had to step away when she blows up and get ugly with me. I'm not the type to dish it back out but I don't have to take it either.

All we can do as Mom is to "love" them as our child, pray for their wellness and desire to be part of our lives in an appropriate way. But it is totally up to them. Our children, yes, but adults they are supposed to be. Good for you with your stance. I applaud you! I've seen how dibilitating it can be for a parent to keep giving in and trying and feeling responsible to "make them happy".

I agree completedly! And I like the way to worded it, too. We all want our adult kids to be in our life in an "appropriate way". As adults who make responsible decisions and treat us with respect if not love. Love would be great, too. I applaud you, Debbie and Nancy. You are both amazing women. I will pray for both of you. xoxo