ACOT Message Board

 I am so sorry.

 I hate to see you in so much pain. You need to understand that this is no reflection on you. He is choosing a different path. He "doesn't know what happened?" That's not "I'm sorry". That really means "don't be mad at me". I would guess that he might be using drugs also and has no wish to face reality. He is enjoying a fantasy world that you do not want to be a part of. And he doesn't care about right or wrong. Do not let him drag you down. You will have to do the hardest, bravest thing you have ever done in your life and that is to leave him behind. Start cutting the ties.
While you were dreaming of the life you could have together once he was out of jail and building it all up in your mind, he was just thinking about himself. You will have to accept the fact that some men never grow up. This is harsh. And its the hardest thing in the world. You might have been putting your life on hold for a dream but you have to face reality too. Get counseling help for yourself. You are going through a grieving process not for the death of a person but for the death of your dreams. And the worst part will be running into him in town and having it all come back.  So yes, cry for a while, then take stock of your life and choose some new goals for yourself. Small things you can accomplish and take pride in. Just take one day at a time. And time is the biggest healer of all. God bless.

 Oh, Treasa!  First of all, hugs to you!  Everyone here has given you some terrific advice and I hope you will take it.  You are a great person and you don't deserve this, and you did nothing wrong.  He obviously has alot of issues and you have given more than enough time and love.  The one thing I know is you can't change people.  They have to change themselves and apparently, he doesn't want to change.  I know it must be hard to walk away after so many years, but those who said things happen for a reason are right.  You may not know the reason now, but keep taking care of yourself and your kids and you will find the reason when you least expect it. 

 I have never been through anything like this but wanted to send you a huge HUG

 I'm so sorry for your pain. HUGS to you.

 Oh sweetie, I wish I had some kind of advice for you. But I really don't have the magic words. I have tons of HUGS for you though. Only thing I can say though is it seems like your children have already moved on and want to be there for you. So let them. Lean on them all you need...I'm sure they want you too. HUGS

 I'm so sorry for this devastation that you are experiencing right now and altho I cannot offer any advice; I join in with the others on this posting and offer support and many hugs for you.    I also agree with the others that it wud be good for you to seek counselling to help u thru this time and reassure in your mind that there is nothing wrong or lacking within you.    You are a good person.    In case of doubt and feelings of sadness; please refer often to this thread of posts and know that there are many of us here who are supporting you and standing by your side (even if only virtually).    take care    xoxx

 You need to take a couple days and just greive.  Just get the crying out of your system.  And then what you do, is you write a letter to him, you get it all off of your chest.  And if you have to throw in some profanity to get it out, then you cuss away....you tell him everything you're feeling, you lay it all out on him. 

Then you save the letter for a couple days, because you're going to want to add things as you go.....and in one week, you re-write the letter, and then you start another letter...but, this one is one you write to yourself, you tell yourself how you feel, and what you've accomplished in the 6yrs he was gone, how great your kids are and so forth, you need to realize how good of a person you are, and what you've already accomplished in your life when he wasn't there...and move on.

You can't leave this all bottled up, you have to get it out, and this is the only way I know how to express myself.  I write letters.  You don't have to send it if you don't want too, once it's finished.  But you have to get it all out.

And I am sending you lots of hugs!! And if you need us, we're here for you!

 Prayers and Hugs Hon!!  I've experinced something sort of like that, but I wasn't with him 23 years, etc. etc.  The pain and hurt is terrible, but slowly with time, you do get over it, but never forget.  Similar to Ann, I was the one the severe medical problems and almost died.  He was there with me the whole time, but once my recovery started and lots of physical therapy, he just grew out of love with me.  He said that I had changed, which was true, my personality was totally different.  He started seeing another girl, whom was almost identical to me, except she had the personality that my former self had.  Anyway, I really shortened this story, but my point being, you do overcome it and go on with your like.  It's hard to see right now because it's so fresh and new, but in time, you will realize that it's him and not you.  He really isn't the man you fell in love with.  You have the right to be angry and grieve and all that goes along with it.  Leslie is right about seeing a therapist and staying with the meds! 

 I have no advice for you, just prayers and (((hugs))).

 Treasa.
Hon, we care about you!!!!  What he did is not a reflection of you.  He has problems that you cannot resolve for him. 
Please try to go see a counselor.  They can help you make the break from him. 
I know how hurt you must be that you invested so much of your life and put your life on hold for him.  It must feel like you've been kicked in the teeth. 

Please take some time to be with your family and do special things to treat yourself.  You deserve far better than what you have been dealt.

I hope life gets better for you.  You are in my prayers.

Sweetie, You are such a wonderful person, you so deserve better.   I'm so sorry for the pain you are experiencing now, but be strong and lean on your family and friend (including all of us here at ACOT) to help get you through this.  Realize there is nothing YOU did that put you in this situation.  YOu deserve better and you will get over this.  BIG {{{HUGS}}} to you.

 I'm so sorry for you. I don't have any advice but you're in my thoughts and prayers.

 First, you DO NOT deserve this. I'm very sorry for the pain he's causing you and I know how it physically hurts in your chest. You should call your dr and let them know because they may want to up or change your medication. This is an un Godly amount of stress on  you ,but you will live through, I promise you.

I'll mirror everyone else when I say, in time , you'll be glad that you are done with him. He's doing you a favor, an ex-large one. Thank him for it.

Since he's into drugs, and into crack whores, does that all tie in with his arrest? Either way, his life is completely out of control right now and he isn't who you fell in love with. I hope for you that you can see that there is no way you want to be with this person.It's not healthy for you or your daughter.

I'm so sorry and if you want to call and chat, please call me. I'll pm you my phone number.

(((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))

 I'm so very sorry that you have to endure this pain. As others have said, you really must get counseling to learn how to cope with this and to put your life back together again. It isn't your fault that he has made the mistakes he has made, and obviously he has made a lot of them. You will also need to learn to deal with him as your children's father.

 I have suffered through infidelity.  It HURTS!  It hurts to the very depth of your soul.  This is the time for you to figure out what you want and need. 
Remember:
1) There is nothing wrong with you.  The infidelity is about him.
2)  Don't be surprised if some of your friends don't stick by you.  Again, that is about them, and not being able to handle your hurt.  Seek out those friends that can stick by you. 
3) Listen to people, sermons, books, the news, EVERYTHING with an open heart.  There is a message of hope out there for you to cling to. 

I took long walks to talk to myself and work out my anger.  The process took time.  A LOT of time.  It may not stop hurting for years, but the hurt will get better.  Especially once you have made the decision to let go.  You cannot make him work on your relationship, so you need to let go.  If he decides to come back at another time, then you will have to make that decision then, but right now, the best thing you can do is to let go.  It doesnt mean you don't love him any more, it just means that you are willing to do what is important for you and your family right now.

There is a great website, but I have to find it.  It also has a message board that helped me out quite a bit.  I am here for you too.  Pm me if you need to talk.
Teri

BeatrizS wrote:im very sorry you are going through this... BUT really ... he is doing you a favor... If he is sleeping with a crack whore... then you should really be glad he is out of your life!!! First of all dont look at it as a bad thing... Think of the diseases you could get from him, The lying and cheating and SNAP out of it.  The person you fell madly in love with while he was in jail doesnt really exsist.  There is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING wrong with you!!! HE is the one with the ISSUES!!!! Think of your kids and grandbaby and pat yourself on the back and close that chapter of your life!!! I wish you good luck and i hope you dont feel like i was to hard on you!!! i know how it feels to be cheated on and to feel like something is wrong with me... once you get over it you realize nothing is wrong with me its all him!!!!

I was going to read everybody's responses before  I responded with my own two cents but this one is EXACTLY what I would have said!  I know its very painful, right now, but the pain will ease in time.  He is no longer the man you fell in love with all those years ago!  You need to live your live for you and your kids, and your grandchild.  Now!  Enjoy life!  And know you have many friends here who love you!  {{{{{hugs}}}}} 

 Hon, you are one of the sweetest cherries I know. I am so sorry this is happening to you! I agree with everyone else that seeking counseling would be good for you and help you understand this is TOTALLY HIS fault. I understand how this must be so hard since he has been such a big part of your life for a long time, but you deserve better and maybe this is God's way of getting him out of the picture so you can find happiness and maybe true love. You deserve it!!!

Huge hugs my webby friend. If you need anything, please don't hesitate to ask!!!!

 I wish I had a magic wand. I am so very sorry. I have no advice to offer except that you are right to be devasated, hurt, angry, pissed, sick all of the above and then some. All I can offer you is love. I know that does not help right now but I will pray that it helps to get you through this...

 I think you are looking at this wrong. I don't think it is what's wrong with you.  It sounds like you couldn't have done any more for him.  It sounds like he has some growing up to do and he is going to be kicking himself when he does.  I had one big break up where I did the same thing and looking back, I realize it wasn't me.  I was better off without him.  It is hard to fill that gap it leaves in your life when it first happens. 

You deserve to be truely happy and I hope you find that someday.  I know right now it will be hard but each day will get better.  ((Hugs))