Information

[Niki]

So this happened last week and every time I think about it I get mad again. (Note: Arielle is 14, Mya is 13.)

So DD comes home Tuesday of last week and is really upset because one of her best friends Mya has called her a liar. They were talking about ADHD and Arielle, my daughter, says I have ADHD and Mya is telling her no you don't because you don't take medications and you don't get tested every year. Arielle told her that isn't what ADHD is and you don't have to takes meds to have it. So Arielle asked me if the next morning I would explain to Mya that she did have it and why she wasn't on meds because Mya wasn't listening to her. (Mya comes over every morning to walk to the bus with Arielle. She lives down the street.)
So the next morning I said something to Mya and told her that yes Arielle does have ADHD and an auditory deficiency and she does not take meds because we decided to go another route and not use meds and used bio-feed back. She does get tested every year and was in fact just tested. Also explained that there are many kinds of hyperactivity in kids with ADHD and Arielle isn't as bad as she use to be, because of the bio-feed back. Mya then tells me she didn't believe Arielle because she also lies to her. (This is a girl whom I have caught in lies several times.) Any way she was really rude when talking to me as well. When the girls left to go to the bus Mya walked out and didn't say goodbye to me, she always does.
Arielle was still really said and said she didn't want Mya to come over in the mornings anymore.
So that evening I texted her mother and told her that I didn't think it was a good idea for Mya to come over any more because the girls have been fighting a lot lately and Mya called Arielle a liar this morning when I confronted her about what she said about Arielle having ADHD. Then her mother says I wish you would have said something to me and not to Mya she doesn't do well when adults confront her. OMG she is 13 she should know by now how to handle an adult! And I wasn't rude I didn't accuse I just explained to her. So she tells me she understands and that she is going to tell Mya that she needs to end her friendship with Arielle for good. I said maybe that is good for now and in the future maybe they can work things out.
Arielle decided on her own not to talk to Mya after I told her what Mya's mom said. She says the friendship is getting to hard. I am glad she made the decision.
Any way the next day Mya is calling me a female at the bus stop right in front of Arielle and later that day gives Arielle a note. Basically it says that them having to end their friendship is all my fault and that her mom might loose her job because she can't drop her off at our house 20 mins early. And that her mom is really pissed off at me because I said something to Mya and not to her first and that her mom will never forgive me. And that she really cares about Arielle and wants to be friends still so let's do it behind our parents backs. (Arielle still doesn't want to be friends with her.) (There have been some other things going on at school as well like Mya got in Arielle's face on Thurs so she reported it to the principal.)

So then Friday afternoon they had  a dance at school and Mya's mom was there selling food. Arielle said she was overly nice to her like nothing had happened.

So opinions her please do you think I as wrong for saying something about the ADHD to Mya? Would you have? Did I do something wrong? I just can't believe Mya's mom could be that mad over what I said to Mya. (But Mya could be lying to Arielle too!)

I feel bad that this has all come to this. But Mya crossed the line for me when she called Arielle a liar to my face. Arielle has had problems with her in the past but this I won't accept. Also lately it seems like every other day they are fighting about something, so I think even if I hadn't said anything to Mya about the ADHD Arielle would have made the decision not to have her come over in the morning. (It is a bit of a toxic relationship.)

[average_kim]

I don't think you were wrong to talk to the girl, especially when she is in your home. You might talk to the mom about the note, though, because I would first think the daughter might be making some of it up. 

[Monroe1218]

I agree with Kim.  I don't think you were out of line at all.  And I would ask the mother about the contents of the note - sounds like Mya has a hard time telling the truth and the mother needs to be made aware of the situation.

[1grandma]

I agree with the others, too.  I think communication is important here, not just recieving from Mya.  I would confirm everything SHE says.

[Ayla]

I don't think you were wrong at all...Mya is certainly old enough to deal with what she says and to speak with adults. I would be appalled if someone called me about something my 12 yr old son said to her face and hadn't confronted the issue before hand. Those kind of comments need to be handled right away, not left alone and leaving the impression that it's okay to talk that way. I also have ADD...and to be honest, at 50 years old, I DON'T get tested every year. And I've learned a lot of ways to make my life work with ADD, and rarely take medication (although it's available if I'm in a situation where I really feel I have to concentrate). Good for you for not letting this slide!

[Shutterbug]

I agree with what the others have said.

[beachlover]

first of all you did nothing wrong and you sond like the only grown up in the bunch!  Mya sounds like a little spoiled b#$@^ and her mother is very childish and apparently lies and plays games.  She is only using your "friendship" to get her daughter to and from school!  don't cater to them!  Arielle has a good head on her shoulders and you have raised a great young lady!!!  (((hugs)))

[1scrappymom]

It sounds like the relationship was becoming toxic anyway whether you said something or not.  I'm not sure what you would have told her mother before you said something to her daughter.  Frankly, it's none of their business whether your daughter has ADHD, takes meds or not.  It seems like the underlying issue is the lying and it sounds like your daughter is not the liar, so perhaps this is good that it all came out now.  I would address the note with the mother.  Bottom line - if she is upset, whatever, but if her daughter is trying to manipulate your daughter and encourage her to do things behind your back, that, to me, is a problem that needs squashed.

[Flasher]

First of all, I don't think you did anything wrong.  You spoke to her simply to clear the air and, in a sense, defend your daughter. 

Now, here's where I become the odd Cherry out . . . I learned a long time ago that I will not deal with other people's children directly in matters such as this.  It's not because I don't think kids can handle certain conversations or situations, it's just that it's much too easy for the child to go home with a very different interpretation of what was said or what happened (i.e.  You have no way of knowing how you were quoted by Mya to her mother.)   Then, you have three, sometimes four, versions of an event or conversation, and it will most assuredly never get resolved. 

[mommyribs]

I don't see where you did anything wrong.  I think I would have done the same thing had someone accused my daughter of being a liar in front of me.  Friends come and go and it sounds like this one has probably run its course, especially since the girl is encouraging your daughter to lie and go behind your back.  If the other mother is truly as bothered as her daughter is saying perhaps the mother should speak to you about it rather than acting like a child herself.

[suslvgeo]

Communication is totally key! I "might" have contacted the other mom first--however it seems that she is not one of the parents that can handle if someone is questioning their child. I love my kiddo a ton but I also know he is not perfect--it is my job to help him become the best person he can be and I need to know when he is doing something wrong so it can be addressed. Mya's mom doesn't seem to have that vibe. I am sorry that you and your DD are going thru this. Losing friendships can be so hard.

let me say if I heard that girl call me a female I would have gone all ninja  on her a@@.

[CarrieG]

First of all, I don't think you did anything wrong.  You spoke to her simply to clear the air and, in a sense, defend your daughter. 

Now, here's where I become the odd Cherry out . . . I learned a long time ago that I will not deal with other people's children directly in matters such as this.  It's not because I don't think kids can handle certain conversations or situations, it's just that it's much too easy for the child to go home with a very different interpretation of what was said or what happened (i.e.  You have no way of knowing how you were quoted by Mya to her mother.)   Then, you have three, sometimes four, versions of an event or conversation, and it will most assuredly never get resolved. 

YUP I have learned this lesson the HARD way  ........

[sdwhru]

I would have talked to the friend, too just to explain about the ADHD.  I would show the mom the note and just keep an eye on the girl.

[Scrap Bug]

I don't know how I would have handled it.  My instinct probably would have been to confront the child, but I'm thinking I probably would not have, and would have just talked to her and the mother together later, but not being in the situation, I don't know.  

I am wondering why a 13 year old can't get herself on the bus in the morning?  Why does her mom HAVE to drop her off instead of just leaving for work?  

[Niki]

Thanks all for the comments and points of view.

Scrap Bug- I have no idea why she can't walk to the bus herself, all the other kids in the neighborhood do.

Update- Mya keeps trying to talk to my daughter but she just ignores here. Not because I told her to but because she has chosen to. My daughter told me she is done with the friendship it is not worth it to her to be unhappy all the time. I have a smart kid.

[Shutterbug]

Thanks all for the comments and points of view.

Scrap Bug- I have no idea why she can't walk to the bus herself, all the other kids in the neighborhood do.

Update- Mya keeps trying to talk to my daughter but she just ignores here. Not because I told her to but because she has chosen to. My daughter told me she is done with the friendship it is not worth it to her to be unhappy all the time. I have a smart kid.

YEs you do have a smart kid!

[average_kim]

Thanks all for the comments and points of view.

Scrap Bug- I have no idea why she can't walk to the bus herself, all the other kids in the neighborhood do.

Update- Mya keeps trying to talk to my daughter but she just ignores here. Not because I told her to but because she has chosen to. My daughter told me she is done with the friendship it is not worth it to her to be unhappy all the time. I have a smart kid.

This is a hard situation, but your daughter is doing the right thing in choosing her friend (or not choosing her).  The girl shouldn't have been questioning her really, and true friends will support you no matter what diagnosis you have or how it's treated, etc.